Any new car I purchase must fulfill one of the following goals:

1. Practical: Must be diesel or hybrid estate/hatchback/wagon. OR,
2. Fun: Sport or GT car, 210 kW engine minimum, coupe or 3-door hot hatch preferred, sedan acceptable, rear or all wheel drive, manual transmission, not a convertible.

So with those goals in mind, and a maximum price range of $60,000, I started with the most beleaguered of the domestic auto makers, General Motors.

GM is the domestic behemoth, divided up into eight brands: Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, GMC, Hummer, Pontiac, Saab, and Saturn. Regarding goal 1, GM has no hybrid hatchbacks/estate models, offering hybrids only on the Saturn Auru & Chevy Malibu. The best they have in terms of hatches/wagons are the Pontiac Vibe & Saturn Astra, both of which are standard unleaded vehicles that get worse fuel economy than my Mini Cooper. So, goal 1, failure. Onward to goal 2. C’mon GM, thrill me!

Trying to find a good sports car across this lineup is unfortunately difficult. Buick, GMC, and Hummer are right out. Cadillac has some interesting offerings in this regard, but the models I like, namely the XLR, are pushing $100,000. Too expensive. Pontiac has the G8-GT, but automatic transmission only. Boooring! Saturn has the Sky, Pontiac has the Solstice, both are underpowered and covertibles. The Sky Red Line is actually pretty nice, but again, I don’t want a soft top. Shame, the power to weight ratio isn’t bad, though it doesn’t technically fit my requirements. Pontiac’s GTO is discontinued as well, so that line is out. That leaves just Saab and Chevy.

Chevy’s offering should be obvious, the Corvette. Though I adore these on the track (the C6 Z06 is particularly awe-inspiring on a road course), I’m not a fan of the styling or the interior. The performance is incredible, but I think it’s a bit gaudy in appearance, particularly with the body-colored headlight surrounds and chrome wheels. The options are right though, RWD, great performance, in my price range, manual gearbox, hard-top. Under consideration, but doesn’t thrill me outwardly.

So, that leaves Saab. This is arguably the best contender for a domestic that suites me. The TurboX SportCombi estate is a limited edition, black-only wagon that has All Wheel Drive, a turbocharged 2.8L V6, a 6-speed manual, and all-wheel drive. I love the styling, and the interior isn’t bad either. The pricetag is in the right spot…so what’s the catch? The curb weight. The TurboX weighs in at a massive 1725 kg, over 200 kg more than even my bloated 2004 R32. It results in a nearly identical power-to-weight ratio as the VW, and offers nothing in way of an upgrade to what I already have. Damn it all.

So, out of GM’s entire lineup, my lone option is a Corvette. It’s a great option, but I don’t think it’s for me.

Moving on to Chrysler, the only car that’s even close to what I’m looking for is a Crossfire, a soon-to-be-discontinued 2-seater based on the Mercedes CLK platform. Unfortunately, it’s 1450 kg, has only a 160 kW engine, gets terrible fuel economy despite the underpowered engine, handles like a shopping cart, and looks like a dog taking a poop.

Next up, Ford. Ford consists of five brands, Ford, Lincoln, Mercury, Mazda, and Volvo. Let’s start with the eponymous brand, Ford. The only hybrid is an Escape, so no dice there. They offer a diesel version of the Focus, except they don’t sell it in this country. Way to go, Ford. Could have had a sale there, but no such luck. The only car that fulfills option 2 from Ford is the Mustang, and with all due respect, I haven’t liked a single Mustang made after 1973. Certainly the GT500 has the right power, but I find the exterior hideously bulky, and the interior cheap. The last time I was in one, it rattled like a snake as well. If I wanted a high-horsepower car that rattled, I’d buy a modified 2002 GTI.

Neither Lincoln nor Mercury have anything to offer, which leaves the two Foreign Ford brands, Mazda & Volvo.

Mazda has no hybrid/diesel models in this country, unsurprisingly. If the MazdaSpeed3 were a bit more powerful, it would be a serious contender. Mazda, you’re on the right track, how about pushing the boost up just a little bit? The Mazda6 only offers an automatic gearbox, no good. I adore the styling of the RX8, and maybe if I were shopping for a track car, I’d consider it for the balance & smooth engine, but for what I’m looking for, it’s underwhelming, even if it does handle like its on rails. I love the suicide rear doors, it’s surprisingly practical in terms of interior space, but just not enough oomph. Unfortunately, it’s not a Lotus and still weighs in at 1400 kg, which makes it a nice handling, fun car (it would run rings around a Mustang on track), but just not what I’m looking for.

Last hope, Volvo. No diesels in this country again, damn. I love the looks of the C30, but not fast enough. In fact, none of them are, the highest kW engine in a Volvo right now is 175, which is an utter shame, given how good looking most of the cars are from this company.

So that’s it. 3 massive car companies, and my only option is the Corvette.

Compare this to German & Japanese makers, and I have options like:

• BMW 135i & 335i
• Audi S4 & S5 (sadly, the S3 isn’t arriving here)
• Nissan Z
• Infiniti G37 Coupe
• Lexus IS-F
• Toyota Prius
• VW Diesel Jetta Wagon

And that’s a highly truncated version of what’s available to me from non-domestic automakers. Nothing made here fits the bill, sadly. It’s as though the domestic car makers simply don’t want to make performance cars, and when they do, they are wrapped in an absurdly flashy package. Note cars like the 135i and IS-F are still fairly practical in appearance, with subtle hints that they offer performance. No racing stripes, no chrome wheels, but they’ll thrill you nonetheless.

Sigh. Maybe we just don’t get it.